THE DOUBLE AGENT DRESS TUTORIAL

(ETA 2015: Oh, past oona. You're so cute, with your complete disregard for Capitalization, and your completely incomprehensible tutorial. I can't even understand this! I'm leaving it up for entertainment value, but do follow this one at your own risk. Basically this dress is two long jersey rectangles with armholes. And now, back to the actual post.)

that's right, bitches.

gather:

about 3 yards of four way stretch jersey, 60 width (you can get away with 2 way if you're careful)

polyester thread

ball point needle & pins

tissue paper
ruler & measuring tape

some good tequila 

measure: (my measurements in parenthesis for example)

armhole, just loop your tape loosely from top shoulder, under arm and back to top shoulder  (16)

waist  (28)

bust at widest point  (34)

hip at widest point  (38)

dress length:  from lower point of underarm to wherever.  knee.  ankle.  thigh (slut).  (28)

calculate:

A: armhole divided by 2 = __    (8)

B: waist measurement divided by 4 = __    (7)

C: bust measurement divided by 4 = __    (8.5)

D: hip measurement divided by 4 = __    (9.5)

E: length stays the same = __    (28)

that's a lot of math for me.  at this point, i suggest you get your tequila out and have a good swig. DON'T SHOOT IT, GODSAKES THAT'S QUALITY TEQUILA.  done sipping?  let's make the pattern pieces.

using your new figures, make your top and bottom pattern pieces:

TOP: one rectangle, on the fold, measuring E by B  (28 x 7)

BOTTOM: one rectangle, on the fold, measuring E by D  (28 x 9.5)

these are SO not to scale.  i drew them about forty times and finally gave up.

now make your BUST piece:  draw a straight line equaling A (for me, 8 inches long).  this is your center fold.  now draw a line equaling D for the bottom edge, and a line for the upper edge equaling B.  at the midpoint of A, measure across equaling C.  it should look like this:

now connect those dots by drawing in a nice little curve on the open edge.  this is where your arm will go.   

you now have all three of your pattern pieces!

add your seam allowance all along the edges of all pattern pieces, except on the fold.  unless of course you're a hoochie mama and you want it tight, then forget the extra room.  you may also want to make it in hot pink spandex.  or dizzying stripes.  no judgement here.

you'll need to cut each piece out, on the fold, twice.  

sew bottom edge of BUST piece to upper edge of BOTTOM piece.  sew upper edge of BUST piece to lower edge of TOP piece.  it will look like this:

you now have one half of the dress.  do the same for the remaining pieces.  join front and back at side seams, matching bust piece seams, remembering to keep that nice little curve you created for your armhole open on the BUST piece.  duh, who would sew it all the way up without armholes.

now dance around in front of the mirror while you shimmy in and out of its myriad looks.  try it upside down to start off with.  at this point, you should have had enough tequila to come up with some interesting combos...

some other thoughts:  

don't have a serger?  you should be able to zigzag the seam with great results.  make sure your seam allowance is wide enough so that the zig zag is at least 1/4 of an inch away from the seam edge.  this will help keep it from bubbling.  don't have a zig zag setting? stretch your jersey at both ends while sewing with a looooong stitch.  but really, straight stitch sally, get a zig zag.

if you cut carefully, you can leave your edges raw, as stretch jersey doesn't fray-- just look at anything made by american apparel.    

always use the right machine needle!  ball point, jersey, or, in trampy spandex land, stretch.  and 100% poly thread is your friend.  your very good curve loving friend.

my biggest difference in measurement is ten inches.  i have no idea if this will work with a wider differential. again, get your tequila out, and try it.  the worst that could happen is you'll end up with a cool cowl scarf and a nice buzz.

lemme know if you do it, and above all, please tell me what you chose to imbibe whilst doing.  priorities.

(ps: feeling too lazy to sew?  slacker.  enter my shabby apple giveaway to win a candy cane dress! now closed)