well i'll tell ya. kenny is giving me the glacial shoulder.
occasionally the needle, which has 3 positions, doesn't want to shift when i turn the knob. his screws get loose. so i tinker and turn and curse for a bit and then he snaps back into place. not so today. after taking the hood off and hearing a pop when i messed with the cam housing, i enlisted the magical fixit skillz of ruggy. but kenny's sat obstinate on the table for several hours now.
here's why:
never kid yourself that you can cheat on your man and keep it under wraps. eventually they WILL find out. i found ricky (riccardo is his formal name) in a goodwill store near mother ruggy's. it was our last stop on a whirlwind tour of thrift shops that had only produced sad and beaten shells of machines. i spied a small white suitcase on a high shelf, with a price tag of 50 bucks. that hefty sticker had kept anyone from touching what looked like an overpriced vintage carry on... but i knew what must be inside. shoppers stared curiously at the petite girl struggling with an old empty suitcase, and then swarmed when i revealed its contents. oh riccardo. so debonaire. so accessorized. full set of cams. full set of feet. original owner's manual.
removable bed.
i took him with me that day and had my way with him.
when it came time to return home, i left ricky behind, but i couldn't stop thinking about his smooth cam housing... his super long stitch... i thought i was hiding it, but kenny... kenny KNOWS. he can tell by the way my hand keeps reaching for a slightly larger knob. you may think he's not the jealous type-- after all, he shares a room with that psycho ellie-- but bring another man into the mix and it's kaputz. he won't even eat, his feed dogs are on hunger strike. it doesn't matter that i left ricky in another state. it still happened. to make matters worse, kenny's model 600 has been mocked by ricky's 2600.
size does matter.
i guess i'll have to fiddle with my girl ellie for awhile until we get to california. as natalie portman so rightly observed, nothin like a little lesbo action to get a man interested.
Hilarious! (The story not the part about poor Kenny calling it quits) I love those sewing related thrift store finds, they are so far and few between, but when they happen...ahhh magic!
ReplyDeleteOh god, I'm so terrified this is going to happen with my main-lover machine when I bring that Featherweight home. Yes, she is slimmer but she is also an older woman - please please don't be jealous!
ReplyDeleteHis feed dogs are on hunger strike! Love it! Tell Kenny it's how he uses those dials that really counts (it's not true, sure, but just keep telling him. Eventually he might try to prove it!)
ReplyDeleteOh how you amuse me. That was a great post. I hope Kenny comes out of his sulking soon.
ReplyDeleteHopefully in time Kenny will come around to the idea of a polyamorous relationship. I mean, he's still your primary, right?
ReplyDeleteho.
ReplyDeleteword verification: "oadshabl"... this is totally some punishment in the old testament for a skanky cheating machine ho.
they totally had those in the old testament. and they totally got the oadshabl.
Ricky was quite the find!
ReplyDeletePoor, ol' Kenny. Maybe you need to get him some new needles and a a couple more bobbins? That might bring him out of his funk!
Oona, You're not only talented and beautiful, but you're hilarious. You deserve a medal.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you're having trouble with the machine. Trying to fix a struggling machine is probably the most frustrating waste of time.
HILARIOUS. You killed Kenny (South Park reference - not meaning to imply you actually killed your awesome friend, but in case you did... you know...)
ReplyDeleteAhem.
Ellie is very pretty, and so is Ricardo. They will make a lovely couple.
Ah, I'm totally jealous, to I know how Kenny feels...
ReplyDeleteYou're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Ricky!
ReplyDeleteOh thanks Oona! Now I have this song stuck in my brain.
I love this post! I have 3 machines and all 3 broke on me. :( I just took one in and got fixed today. Next two will be fixed next week. I am always on the hunt for more machines. I think I am gonna be a sewing machine hoarder. aaaacccccckkkk
ReplyDeleteCome visit my blog : www.sweetsurrenderart.com
See you there!
Ah, sad story. It does not always work that way, though, because my Lucznik was acting up, even though I did not have any other. I do now. Poor Lucznik.
ReplyDeleteBTW, when you finally arrive to California, let me know of your new address, please. There's still a pair of yellow shoes, a bag of Hašlerky and three elephant erasers waiting for you.
ahahaaaa.. you crazy thing.. i'm at my neighbor's house, using their computer, laughing like a maniac.. they are giving me the look.. i don't mind.. thank you, lovely oona, great story :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I have the sewing machine that I used when I was a teenager it is old and they don't make the parts for it anymore. My hubby said it is time to say good bye, but I am just not ready. But I have to be so my little girl can sew. She was crying using my old machine. I have to say good-bye, for the next generation.
ReplyDeletePoor Kenny, but hello Ricky. What a find. I'm sure Kenny will eventually accept this new man in your life, but maybe he needs a little TLC. A legitimate tune up, you know what I mean?
ReplyDelete@ Y'all:
ReplyDeletewell, as meg suggested, i almost killed kenny. he'll give me a straight stitch that's slightly to the right and a number 5 zigzag if i hold my breath. amy, i may have to drag his 50 lb ass to the repairman. that may take some time. hopefully by then i'll have "hey mickey!" out of my head (no no, thank you, graca)!
Oooh Ricky has stitch dials! My mum's first (and current) sewing machine has those. I remember seeing an ad for a similar model in one of my vintage magazines and the selling point was "so simple, it's just like changing a record!" Oh good, a skill our feminine minds have already mastered and so new learning is not required!
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of Kenny, may his stitch become straighter, his zig become zaggier and your oxygen requirements remain fulfilled. I also hope Kenny isn't a voyeur - otherwise he might fake continued sickness if he enjoys watching you with Ellie. Just a thought.